Grumpy
by Mayclore
Summary: Take pity on the Quad Cannon. And then resume hating them.


It is a well-known fact that Quad Cannons, amongst the generally irritable GLA forces, are some sort of level of irritable above irritable. Double-irritable, if you will. The reasons for this are not entirely understood...at least by the GLA. However, after interrogation by US and Chinese forces at the end of the war, reasons for this grumpiness became plainly apparent.

One of the foremost reasons for the grumpiness of Quad Cannon drivers is the general fact that whenever an enemy plans its assault on a GLA outpost, the hapless half-tracks are extremely high on the target list. There are documented reports of one angry commander using eight F-22s, 4 F-117s, sixteen Comanches, two Particle Cannons, a Colonel Burton, twenty-seven Paladins, and a Ranger to take out one particularly successful operator. This unfortunate man was killed so hard, unborn generations of his family were wiped off the face of the future earth.

Another reason is the ineffectiveness of the weapons against armor, especially Overlords. An anecdotal Chinese report from near Tibet states that no less than eight of the four-barreled vehicles engaged a single Overlord, whose commander related the battle as follows: "1203, GLA Quad Cannons begin firing at our tank. Damage includes scratches, dings, a great deal of racket, angry shouts, mild bemusement on the part of my crew, and at the end, a freshly polished look for the tank exterior". The Overlord returned fire, subsequently ejecting three of the Quads into low-earth orbit, and sending another the entire distance to Cleveland, Ohio, via a ballistic trajectory.

A third reason perhaps stems from the general lack of respect the Quads receive from their own comrades, routinely being sent on suicidal patrol missions to probe the impenetrable death-defenses of the gigantic enemy base that encompasses three-quarters of the theater, searching for enemy mines, picking up dry cleaning, being called by old college friends to help them move, ordering pizza and then being forced to pick up the tab when not previously informed of such beforehand, and the fact that SCUD missiles make this awesome 'fwooooooooosh' sound when they launch, and Quads cannot.

A fourth reason that often popped up during questioning was the peculiar drivetrain arrangement of the Quads, consisting of two entirely useless wheels underneath the cab, and powered tracks underneath the entire length of the cannon platform, which leads to less than ideal handling. Formula 1 legend Michael Schumacher, having tested one of the vehicles when he was not busy being incredibly rich, referred to its handling as akin to driving 'an overweight six bedroom house, built on swampland and then overdosed on Valium". Quad drivers are known to have made forced detours upwards of seven miles to clear obstacles such as a Rubik's cube, a grasshopper, and a lugnut.

But, perhaps, the most cited reason is the strangest. From an interrogation file of last May:

"_It was as normal, we were killing infidels and generally having a jihadly time of it, when one of the quads began making this incredible noise as it attacked a helicopter. It was not the regular machine gun rattle, it was...something entirely different. Haunting, even. I believe it is best described as 'pew, pew, laser, laser pew pew'. This is the noise it made."_

Indeed, US forces have also documented the pew-pewing of Quads in the Afghani theater. How the guns came to make this hellish deathsong is not known, although it is widely suspected the Pewdemic has roots in the Invinicible Gate Incident, when so much ammunition was expended at one spot, it tore a hole in the fabric of space-time. Highly classified reports indicate that further skirmishes in the area have seen tanks turning into sofas, Aurora bombers becoming soccer balls, and Red Guard soldiers becoming stuffed elephants. It is theorized at the highest levels of the scientific community that the pew-pew effect, like a virus, was caught by a single individual and spread, like the audible plague it is, amongst Quad Cannons at large. It is not known whether all Quads, and eventually, all weapons, will make pew noises instead of the regular noises we've come to know and love. If you should note, however, a Paladin pewing at a Tank Hunter, which pews back, grab your family and run. Only the strong will survive.

Regardless, the plight of the Quad Cannon has now come to light. So the next time you see a pew-lasering-pew Quad get bombed to the seventh level of hell by five nuclear missiles while scrounging for a tip for the pizza boy and sorting the entire camp's dry cleaning, allow them a moment of sympathy. The life of a Quad driver is amongst the most difficult lead by any human in the history of Earth or space. And perhaps even before space.

...right. Like we still won't hate the bastards afterwards.

--

"...I can't believe this."

"What? Do you know how long it took me to make the Quads go pew? Pew...pew laser pew...hee hee..."

The standing man looked down at his seated friend, pewing, and smashed the cup of non-coffee over his head.

"And thus is my good deed for the day done," he said to his now unconscious comrade.


End file.
